things i hate

i hate how much i loved your laugh. i hate how lonely all of this growth feels. i hate that you never celebrated my hard work. i hate that i tried. i hate that i loved your car. i hate that i loved every bit of that part of you that made me hate myself. i hate that i stayed. i hate that i waited while your mouth searched for meaning on her skin. i hate that i wanted to take you back still. i hate that i begged and begged and begged. i hate that i laughed with you. i hate that i showed you every bit of who i was. i hate how you screamed. i hate that i was scared of being hit by you. i hate that i loved the demon that lived within you. i hate that i was called a liar. i hate how you thought you could crumble me. i hate that you never had the courage to stay. i hate that you thought i was selfish. i hate how good, how fucking good your gaze felt on me. i hate every moment you loved me. i hate, i hate, i hate.

i hate that i am undoing you. unlearning you.

i don't hate who i am without you. i don't hate that you're happy. i don't hate her. i don't hate you. i don't hate love.

i only hate how much i would have destroyed myself to prove myself to you, when i didn't need to.