Starting from scratch 2.0 - day 1 - Feeling numb

Back to writing again, as I process emotions I've been avoiding for a while. I'm determined to be consistent this time. Last week marked one year since I escaped my abusive family. When I went back home to meet my dad, I was heartbroken to see how much he has aged since the last time I saw him. Despite still loving him deeply, I cannot accept the fact that I was treated as a punching bag for 23-24 years. It's more of a 'forgive but not forget' situation.

I'm still grieving the loss of my romantic relationship, even though it's already been 20 days. Every day, I wake up with panic attacks that take hours to subside. Coming from a family where abuse was the norm, being in that relationship was the first time I felt safe and secure. However, he explained that the pressure of his PhD was too much, and he couldn't be there for me emotionally anymore. We still love each other, but the distance won, leaving me devastated. Thinking about Irvine will always remind me of him, even though I know I shouldn't associate a city with a person. I truly believed he was 'THE ONE.'

I'm exhausted from crying, hating this feeling of weakness. People say, 'it shall pass', but right now, it feels like I'm only passing kidney stones. Life seems to have thrown me down and is relentlessly kicking me, as if waiting for me to give up, which I know I never will. Every aspect of my life is at an all-time low - financially, physically, mentally. However, I'm determined to come up with a plan to make things better. I can't let myself feel this pathetic and miserable forever. On my way to becoming a Huberman girlie. Anyway, goodbye for now.