Burnout? Self Disappointment? - Day 1 of trying to heal - Part 1

Its 16/Apr/2023 I have entered a weird patch in life where I dont know what I feel. I am turning 25 and that's not making anything better. Its been more than half a year I escaped an extremely abusive family and the trauma still lingers on. Too broke to have a therapist. It feels horrible, I feel like I am fighting against the world all by myself with a few of my friends along with me. Off late, I feel I have let myself down as well as my friends. The constant feeling of brokeness is getting to me, my money management skills arent the best. I feel horrible to the point I want to just disappear because I feel I havent met the expectations of myself. If I dont change my job soon, I am going very broke, the recession isnt helping. Oh fun part? the company I am working for is planning to do lay offs :D

I am screaming internally at myself. The friends I have are being very kind and patient with me. But in my 24-25 years of living, I always feel everything is transactional. Every relationship. I unfortunately havent had the chance to experience any relationship in a non-transactional form starting from parents.

My dad has been an abuser and still is. He still verbally abuses everyone around him- mom,sister. Since I was his physical punching bag, he is finding it hard to cope.

Coming back to my issue- I think I will try practicing self- forgiveness this time. Will see where it takes me. I have started binge eating as a coping mechanism which again isnt working.

This is my first blog on a public platform. I am writing to keep myself sane. Sorry, a lot of it may not make sense