i read like chess

my original blogs have scores of posts written over the years. consolidated now on wordpress after a mid-stay at medium, it's a very haphazard collection mostly surrounding themes like, not surprisingly, human misery, love, heartbreak, and philosophy. i told a friend i am pursuing masters in philosophy and he said, jokingly, that you are already a philosopher. that checks out.

i read some of my old posts. normally i really don't like reading them, for reasons i have outlined in my previous posts "epoche". basically, i feel like they have pretension seeped in their cracks. i could be wrong, or a bit of imitation maybe is not wrong - you would see Tarantino's films full of imitation, which is one way of honouring what has shaped us. anyway, i did read some of my posts. some of them are good, not gonna lie but they're difficult. i read like chess, you know. you know how at certain point while playing chess you have to make deep calculations like, "knight takes bishop, queen takes knight with a check, gets blocked by pawn, captured by knight, captured by pawn, queen captures, king moves, second knight smother mates" something like that, all of this in your head without playing a move? basically that, it's a very deep labyrinthine journey - and that's how my writings are. it peels one layer after another till you're grasping for breath and context. only the writer can understand them sometimes - which is bad writing IF you are writing for an audience. great writing if you're just writing to catalogue. no reader really interprets it like the writer meant, so that's okay.

but if i were to become a writer, i need to give two shits about my readers and take them along my discombobulated narration. huh.