Husbandry and Parenting

The other night I gave my wife a formal amends for some wrongs that I had done. And now that I word it this way I forgot the most difficult and important three words: I. Was. Wrong.

I admitted to and asked forgiveness for being judgmental, being a score-keeper, being unappreciative around the house. Lastly, I asked forgiveness for the treatment of my son. I can, at times, get turned up and give my son a dressing down. Sometimes it's yelling but a lot of times it is bullying or picking on him or at him. It's not a trait of an adult. It's the act of someone who is emotional stunted and has a lot of inner work to do.

Having made strides to change, my wife showed mercy. She was able to respond with acknowledgement that my tone, at least lately, has been softer and more understanding.

Parenting is hard. And having no paternal role model, I have tried to do it on my own with some help from the local library. This is a major handicap for me and for other men. I need a teacher. I don't want to fuck up my kids. They deserve better, the best.

For the better part of 2022 I have engaged in a lot of self-indulgent behavior, mostly productive. Regardless, it's time to get back to job #1. Being the best father and husband that I can possibly be. This isn't an empty affirmation, or some goal. It has to be way of life, if I am to give him the childhood that I wish I had.

Unprompted, as I left my son's room tonight, he said: "I love you, daddy." I went back in and gave him a kiss on the head. It doesn't get any better than that.