happy birthday

one thing i've always been shy to admit was that i always wanted my birthday to fall on a weekday because it meant that i could finally get attention from my friends or have a day all meant for me.
birthdays are a funny concept - celebrating the day you were born when all i've wanted to do was dissapear. still, its the most exciting day.

i get that different people have different love languages or how they show affection, yet it feels funny that the most i've ever gotten was an instagram story or a message at 12;00 am. i should be grateful, i am grateful. yet, sometimes i wish i've gotten something physical - something sentimental.

i am a very affectionate person, and i show that through gifts. i don't have the money to buy you nice things, but i will always make something for you. be it your birthday or a special event, i will carve out my soul if it meant it showed by affection towards you.
maybe its the expectation that birthdays are a special day that's gotten me so greedy for a gift. a paragraph, a book, something i like, anything that tells me you KNOW me.

maybe i just give my heart out too much.