toxic nourishment

have you ever considered that maybe the toxic things you once felt bad about enjoying are the only things that truly nourish you?

i am feeling that the life i now have is not really a life worth living; it is for someone but not for me

(this must seem insane ; i'm living people's lifelong dreams...and everyone says "the fact you can do this at your age is an unbelievably lucky thing..."

it's fun in some ways but does it justify the chore of LIVING?)

i don't know if the memories i made this year will make it into my "favorite memories"

my favorite memories are still from ages 17-20
i haven't made a single memory worth keeping since

i now only live to record the beautiful past
what happens when i run out of things to record?

i don't want to think about that

how many of these thoughts can be avoided by swallowing some vitamin d and exercising?
(it's not that i don't want to exercise
but it's cold and windy
and the inside of the boat is a mess until sundown
because BOAT. FUCKING. WORK. requires that we rip apart the boat
i'm just excited for sebastian to go back to switzerland
then the boat's mine
and i can do in it what i please
no more fucking boat work)

honestly vitamin d and exercise would just distract me
but the truth still remains that i haven't made any new memories worth keeping

i mean yeah it's beautiful

but who fucking cares about that kind of beauty
it's actually extremely superficial and trivial

if you think about it:
wanting to sail because of "beautiful" scenery is really superficial and trivial

i feel that on a deep level i am deeply unsatisfied.