i'm not afraid of storm but i am afraid of *certain people*

my friend was like "are you ok? did something happen to you? you seem all of a sudden more pessimistic"

the only thing that happened is that we came back to the marina, which has been good in many fundamental ways (access to fresh food to eat, land to walk on, "unlimited" water and electricity and therefore warm showers and laundry)

but if all of the fundamental things are better, then..

then i realized i have social anxiety...

i can feel the effects of social anxiety on my cognitive function

i'm having a hard time doing anything -- everything seems fuzzy, difficult to grasp.

i had a very good run yesterday and usually after a run i feel untouchable. but i still found it quite hard to tolerate being around people.

it's funny how i'm not afraid of storms or psychiatric patients with proven records of violent behavior, but i am afraid of being in communities where i have to smile at people i don't particularly like. it's torturous. what i like about storms and psychiatric patients is that you can be honest with them, because they are honest with you (even when they are deceptive, they are still honest, because they're somehow honest about the fact they will deceive you ; and therefore i can respect them). but i cannot be honest with these people and i cannot respect them.

there are a couple people here i do like but i have to hang out with them in the context of all these other fucks and i don't want to.

the swiss are the worst, with their philistine root-chakra-y obsessions about money (every other sentence relates to money) and they behave like they've never been let out of their cave. they speak so passionately from their severely limited caveview.