Gathering thoughts…
I keep looking here, but there's nothing here. I can't look away. I come here without thinking. When I realize I've been lassoed again, I feel shame for it. And then I stay, as though I am not the one who is feeling that shame. My mind is divided against itself.
Some day, I will look back and realize that this place is off in the distance. And I won't know how I moved so far away from it. I think I see all that I do, but I do not. How can this be?
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For two hours, I have been sitting on the second landing of the staircase in my home, staring at a space between two steps that lead upstairs. Everything is in its right place. I feel sad. But my mind feels warm, supported, and unburdened. I am safe. This place is as true as any other. Everything is here. Everyone is here.
I might come off sounding like a sociopath in this post, but oh well. Here goes. I realized today at work that I don't like when people agree with me. I'm on a new team and I've noticed a lot of problems with our processes. There seems to be a lack of automation. Other software engineers may know what I'm talking about. Too many things we do require too many manual steps.…
I've noticed that, for some reason, I write when I'm unhappy. More generally, I often seem more creative when I'm less happy. How could that be? Perhaps it's because when I'm less happy, it's like there's a hole in my life that I need to fill. My instinct is then to find or make things to fill that hole. The feeling of life lacking meaning calls attention to the need for…
I wish more people would admit when they don't understand something. There's a typical pattern I've observed in meetings at work where a person is trying to explain something complicated or technical. I often see the speaker periodically asking things like, "Right?" or "Get it?" and everyone just nods their head sheepishly. But you can tell that they still don't get it. They…
I write software. I love software. I think software can be beautiful. So then why does it sometimes feel as though software doesn't matter? Perhaps it is because a program by itself is inert. It requires an interpreter to run. This is also true in every day life. A recipe by itself is not edible, unless it's printed on rice paper. A person must take the recipe and follow its…
