schizotypy subscale part iii: introvertive anhedonia

Oh my god! This was another key insight that I was missing my entire life. I have at various times considered myself a dark, brooding loner, a deep man of mystery, or too wounded to let someone in to my world.

Introvertive Anhedonia makes a better case for an explanation of my relationship issues. The short definition an inability to receive pleasure from relationships. I quibble with this a bit. I feel like a better description (at least for me) is a feeling that the effort is not going to equal the reward. Further, I think it’s a feeling that the initial effort (which can seem great, given the totality of other symptoms) isn’t worth the effort. Intellectually, I know this is wrong, because when I do push past the initial discomfort, the rewards are immediate and great. How most people feel, I would imagine. It’s really that initial hesitation & worry that’s an issue. And people like me will ride that hesitation to the grave, believe me, it can be deep.

I’m a manager now, and married, so I’ve been thrust into dealing with relationships full time. I’ve learned a lot, including that this can be overcome with effort. And that it is worth overcoming.

It’s really a strange way to be though, remembering/practicing taking that first step. I’ve taken it to a bit of a New Age level: “be the love that you want to receive.” To be so intentional about intimacy, love, relationships, etc. feels very immature, but it has made life much better.