I'm 30 (almost).

Today is the last day I can do one of those ramblings only 20-somethings do.

As the clock strikes midnight, my trial period of adulthood will end and the actual subscription will begin. This is like one of those SMS services that you never signed up for and now there’s no way to unsubscribe.

I’ll be 30 tomorrow. About to start a new decade of this life. And I’m not any wiser. I’ve gone through most of my adult life trying to float and make something of myself with zero guidance or real advice.

But I’ve been thinking about grief a lot. It’s said that grief is an equalizer. But only if we share it or allow another person to see us go through it. I guess that’s why we’re so lonely.

Why don’t we talk about sadness as much as we talk about progress? Because no one wants to be around a downer? Because being around happy people makes us forget our problems? Because seeing other people progress motivates us?

I actually want to talk about sadness. Not in an uncomfortable way. But address this melancholy that sits at my core without hindering my day. It keeps me calm. Something that makes moments of joy distinctly stand out.

I want to talk about feeling left out, confused, and lost. I’m somewhat sure all of us feel those feelings but somehow we feel more comfortable saying how great we’re doing when we’re probably miserable.

I have never gone to bed thinking how I crushed my day. My question is always the same - what am I doing and where am I headed? This isn’t one of those “woe is me” rant but more like a question. How do I navigate this new decade differently? Who do I turn to for guidance?