the winter dance

it's been a while. i'm again reminded of the power of seasons as I come up for air after another whirlwind summer. time to slow down, reflect, and reset. I love this phase, like I loved the last. but winter in particular always feels a bit like mourning.

removing another layer of habits, insecurities, outdated beliefs and worldviews. honing in on what has been learned from another round of trails and experiments.

heavy
confusing

and yet, necessary.

each year, I get closer to un-bundling past trauma from present, all while acquiring new variations of the same pain.

the familiarity is what burns the most.

patterns.

my body craves silence. peace.
while my mind continues to race, desperately trying to keep my head above water.

temptation abound -- a never ending list of to-dos and stimulants. each problem seemingly more urgent than the last. it feels good to "stay busy", to push through, to suck it up and stay on course.

but opportunities to reset don't come around often.
ignoring one is simply delaying the inevitable.
burnout is all consuming.
martyrdom is nothing to be proud of.