the spin.

there are many stories and analogies regarding the output of pressure -- diamonds, and all that -- and though I think this is valid, I sometimes wonder if I seek it.

that isn't what I intended to write there.

I intended to write, "I wonder if it is necessary."

an answer that is closer to some truth came as I wrote )I think through words, see(: I do seek it.

the fault lines in this can be traced through decades.

of course, it would be a little flame from my past that gave first light. in high school, over some dial-up-fueled device of wonder (was it AIM or MSN?), she said:

"I think you like pain."

"No," I was hasty to reply, which was true; I do not like pain -- particularly of the physical brand.

still, she was onto something. what was her name: Tara?

people were cruel to her.

"That's who you're in love with? The girl with the crazy eye? Seriously?"

I didn't see her like that. in those early, clumsy years, I saw her as the first girl to talk to me on the phone. each day, the moment I was home, a rush to pick up the portable and wait for that snarl from her stepfather:

"TARA. PHONE. IT'S [ ]. AGAIN."

time was different, then, so love was measured in months, not years. I don't remember how many. I remember the photo she gave me -- metal flashing from a grin, jeans blue, long lashes -- I didn't see the eye.

but I was too shy to talk to her in person -- too unsure of myself.

so that's all it ever amounted to: phone calls.

then, the dating of a friend.
then, the words.

last night, a new inevitable ending.
today, the words.

it is what it is.