Imposter.

The duality baffles me. Of who I am, and who people think I am.

Actually fuck duality. Let's call it the unholy trinity. Disgusts me.

Who I am, who I think I am, and who people perceive me to be.

It's surreal once you become slightly aware that you might already be living in a multiverse. Of your own faults. Of your own decisions. Of your own perceptions. Contrived. Created. Real. False.

The fact is I don't know if i'm either of those. Or that I can match up to the expectations others have, or that i have of myself. Who I am at the end of the day, is still a tragic mystery.

Not for the lack of trying though.

There are moments of clarity yes. Sudden spurts of knowing, of having something to look forward to.. something that engages your brain, away from all the rancid thoughts.. but also knowing at the same time that it's temporary. That they're constantly trying to claw their way back to your prefrontal cortex.

So there are days when you hustle enough to keep them at bay. And there are days when they don't let you get out of bed.

I'm not sure there's a solution there though, is it? I'm told there is. People tell me things. I watch inspirational talks and scientific hacks, bio hacks of how to make yourself up and working again.

I say I'm not sure if it works. But then, I'm not sure of not much else, right? Like who am I? Back comes the unholy trinity. Special appearance. A chaotic cameo of sorts.