another day another journal

so i have been very lost in my mental health for the past few weeks, not getting enough meditation in, i bounced back on pornography, my workouts have been inconsistent, i am not studying enough.
I feel guilty for not doing enough, always, no matter how much work i do, i just feel that i can get more of it done. I have this entrance coming and i have no choice but to do well in it, its honestly feels like a life and death decision because the state my family is in, i cannot at any cost take a drop year man.
I just know that i gotta get my shit together no matter what, otherwise there would be no shit left to get it together.
I have a very odd relationship with pornography, i wouldnt consider myself an addict, i dont consume it on a daily basis, but the thing that bothers me is that once a month or whenever i do i have this urge to roll back on the fucked up and the disgusting things i used to watch, and after resisting for so long it broke yesterday, i wouldnt say i am ashamed of myself, but it was a very bad day in terms of mental health.
All of this combined with the pressure that there is no one but me to take care of my mother and brother in the future, it makes me die internally but also gives me the motivation to get up and get stuff done.