12th September

I subjected myself to another thought experiment yesterday (12th September) to try and figure out if i could break down and understand how and why I feel a certain way.

I purposefully sat down to think through and break down my issues with his past and try to figure out why it hurt me or why I did not like the fact that he has had multiple casual physical relationships in the past.

1. Is it because I fear adultery in the future? No.
2. Is it because I feel like what we have won't be as special? Yes, actually. Though when I think about it, I realise it is different and that he says as much, and I can rationally be okay with it.
3. Is it because I feel hurt that he has felt close enough to so many girls to do something that is such a big deal to me? Yes. Pretty much that is what hurts me. That he has liked so many girls in the past enough to do this.

While he says he has a very high bar for friendships, he clearly does not have as high a bar for his physical relationships. And maybe I am just the opposite in this.

I am now however learning to prioritise my emotional energy a lot more and treat it just as valuably and exclusively as I treat physical intimacy. The sacredness I attach to physical intimacy may stem from slightly outdated views of morality but I realise it is important to treat emotional intimacy just as sacredly if not more.