The Non-Addict leaving things behind

As the title suggests, I am not really addicted to things. I drink alcohol only once every few months, usually with just a few people. I smoke rarely throughout the year, and I only smoke up a few times in the entire year.

And all this time, I was proud of being a moderate drinker, someone who didn't cause trouble or disgust others who hung out with him.

But quite recently, I made a joke out of myself. I sat down to drink at a very special lady's birthday party. This lady means a lot to me and has been someone whose words and advice I listen to without any hesitation. If she were to say, "you shouldn't live anymore," I would believe her and might end up taking my own life.

I got sloshed, I abused people around me, her friends, her boyfriend, and her. I only realized this the next morning, and all I could think of was profusely apologizing to everyone from the previous night and acknowledging how disgusting of a person I had become.

I don't and won't care about what others think of me, but if this lady believes what I did was disgusting, then I must have done something truly terrible, and no amount of apology to her can change that feeling. I don't know what my relationship with her is now, and I don't know if she'll ever want to meet again.

But all I know is that it's been three days since I touched alcohol, and I'll continue to never touch it again. I think I've lost her, and that, for me, is the biggest loss in quite some time. I'll miss her and love her, but I won't try to reenter her life unless she wants me to.