Stream of Consciousness

Do I have to go about life the way I thought I was supposed to? Do I have to be the person I've been told that I am - that I've been convinced that I am? Is there another way to be? To live? Am I allowed to do that? Writing it down makes these questions sound absurd. When did we start pigeonholing ourselves into these tiny little, carefully crafted identities?

I am constantly caught between different ways of viewing life. Sometimes it's small. It is linear. Bounded. But in small moments - when I'm in the middle of the ocean looking out into the horizon, or watching leaves blow past me like snow - the world is a vast, beautiful, unexplored, magical place.

Is there another option within this whole experience that we have access to? Those people we hear about (but never actually meet somehow) who give up material pleasures and live on a farm, or in the middle of a forest. I used to think they're just different from me. From 'us'. But now I sometimes wonder if they have discovered something that we are all too blind to see. Or that we are simple closing our eyes to. What keeps us tied to this complex way of life? Am I scared no one will follow me if I leave? What does leaving even look like? Where do I want to go? What do I want to leave behind?

I crave peace of mind. But can I stare at the sky for hours? Do I have it in me? Am I romanticising this, like I do absolutely everything else that I don't currently have?

For now all I know is that I want to break out of this tiny carefully crafted identity. It's not for me. I'm more than this.