Seen
I struggle to understand my emotions.My calibration ranges from sad,happy,hurt and angry.Beyond this I go "Idk it felt weird/not nice".
An incident is making me ponder over this incapability and its real meaning.
Context:I'm not close with my relatives.I don't share,ask about their lives,don't call,dont spend time with them.I'm absolutely fine with it.I dont feel the need to despite their complaints about it.
Incident:Recently I was forced by my mother to host my aunt,uncle, cousin for 5 days at my place.I live alone in small 1bhk with limited furniture and space.I didnt want to host.I tried to reason with her that I didnt have enough space for 3 people but in vein.
Hosting:I gave them my bedroom for their comfort,moved to my couch in the hall(I'm uncomfortable,they noticed),Im busy with my work,keep mostly to myself.
This made my relatives feel guilty of causing me discomfort.They were disappointed that I was treating them as guests and felt disrespected.
It made me angry because I,with the best intentions gave them my bedroom so they have a comfortable stay but even that was misjudged.
Hypothesis: Unconsciously/consciously,I revealed hosting them is work and discomfort and they picked up on it
It made me angry because I felt I was judged.But I know Im not attached to my relatives in the way they expect.That's one true emotion within me.So why should I be angry if they pick up on it?Aren't they right?Why is their deduction not okay with me?
Is it because I dont want my true emotions to be seen?When I have to meet them once a year it's easy for me to navigate from distance and keep up a pretense.But in my own space I can't and when someone read my true self,it angered me?