Listening is a form of de-escalation
“Women are so keenly aware of the male experience because our entire existence had to be kind of through that lens. Whereas men have never had to understand the female experience in order to exist in the world.”
Here the comedian Sarah Silverman sums up a feeling at the root of so much of our hatred for outsiders.
Most conflict resolution scenarios bring people together under equal status. Instead of fetishizing equality, such programs could respond by promoting balance.
For instance, to foster understanding Israelis and Palestinians are given similar amounts of time to talk during discussions. Each side is encouraged to listen closely and take the other’s perspective.
The more powerful groups often walk away from these kinds of sit-downs with a warmer view of the other side.
Minority or low-power individuals, though, often don’t.
They already understand the majority’s perspective, because they have to in order to survive.
If one group is silenced the rest of the time, perhaps they should be given greater status when the groups come together, a chance to be heard by the more powerful side.
Instead of perspective-taking, we might benefit from “perspective giving.”
To test this idea, Dr. Emile Bruneau ran a study in Ramallah and Tel Aviv, setting up video chats between Palestinians and Israelis.
During the discussions, Israelis related to Palestinians the most after hearing their stories.
Palestinians, though, felt best about Israelis after telling their own stories and having an Israeli listen to them.
Contact works best when it reverses the existing power structure, rather than ignoring it.
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These are notes from Chapter 3 of a book called 'The War for Kindness' by Jamil Zaki.