i guess that i will write about her...

...she, anyway, doesn't know me anymore. we ended things. i couldn't stand being around her. it doesn't mean that i loved her any less. i loved her more than she loved herself. she loved me less than she loved the version of me she wanted.

you see...there was our problem. i had brought this to her attention as well. she knew it very well. i was fine with it as long as she did not feel the need to keep reminding me of that horrific fact. to be fair, i did not have high standards.

anyhow, it's over. at least, for the time being. at least, that is what we think. i wish we were still together. it is an extremely lonely existence. i guess that i could use someone who genuinely admires me. she only admired her version of me. i wasn't even that. terrible.

back to being alone. back to thinking about her all the time. it's worse because i was the one who broke it off. the guilt is many multiples - because i had to hurt the person i love the most in order to protect both of us from each other; because i had to break the promise of being there for her no matter what; because i put us in this place where i am lonely again, and she will be focusing on moving on and i have to watch it all (if at all i want to still be involved although i know that it is not healthy) from a distance - that is the only sane option.

does she even think about me? i haven't been able to begin to let her go. she was the reason. now, i have none.