delusional

this is a personal note, nothing wise.

I consider myself to be a very disciplined and wise person for my age.
but there are moments where I feel, where is this wisdom even leading me to. all the people I know do cool stuff and living just amazingly.

how to make sure that what I'm doing, excluding myself from every fun thing, just to win in long term to feel low in the present.
I don't what I'm getting wrong here, I can`t have relationships with people anymore, it is less heart to heart and more about brain to brain.
only if I see value in the other person, I invest time into them.
I'm running out of people to love and trust, more careless about emotions. loving is so demonized but being loved is over celebrated.
when your soul is isn't full, nothing feels joyful.

why do have do certain things to just be joyful.

I'm no one`s love and no one is my love, not a friend that I trust upon not a family to hold upon
what am I?
I didn't ask for unachievable things, things that bring life to us is what I asked for, how long do I have to live to look back and say those where days I lived, I cant make the difference between what I m doing is good or bad, these are good days or my bad days, or all this is just an illusion that will clear after a in person talk.

I meet few people who completely admire me but they don't know this person has no life in him, he is as life-less as a grave.
I can`t explain this but there is no juice to my life.