24th October - Diwali Dhamaka
Today I had one of the worst outbursts possible. I screamed like hell at mummy.
It’d been brewing since morning. Festival time is always a delicate trigger time for mom. One would need to dig deeper to find out why she’s like that. It seems to stem from some memory she has of being judged by festival days.
For me, it seems to be a trigger when someone in my vicinity is disappointed. I automatically assume it is my fault and that it is my responsibility to fix them. And I put in the effort to fix their mood even when I don’t want to/ when doing so takes more energy than I have, and it builds up immense resentment in me.
We just kept on triggering each other until it got to a point where she came to me and said “shall I also jump, will that make you happy?” And that’s when I lost it. I started screaming in a very high pitched voice and just simply went crazy and started sobbing the fuck out.
What is this behaviour we have where we want to hurt the other person so bad and want to break them down with our words? Why does it feel so out of control? And why do we just accept that lack of control?
I’m observing things I need to work on right now:
- Being triggered by the feeling of being responsible for someone else’s bad mood
- Not seeing results for the efforts being put in to make someone else feel better.
- Being unaware of feelings and things building up until it gets out of control
- Once I realise I’m triggered, getting calmed in a way that doesn’t hurt people.