22nd September - validation

22nd

I have realised my intense need for validation for the past hurt that I have gone through.

That has been further magnified because Nelson does not agree with what I say and that makes me doubt my self confidence so much. So I have been actively seeking validation. I’ve been looking for evidence backing what I went through. I’ve been speaking to people and hoping they’ll be on my side.

1. Rereading WhatsApp chats: the first time I did it, I managed to find the fights we had that were superb evidence for all the mean things nelson did to me. The wordings he used, the absolute lack of respect, the fear from my side. But then the second time I tried to re read, I also found chats where Nelson was actually trying to be nice and trying to make his points about changing and wanting to let me do whatever I want.
2. Talking with Urmi: I explained to her what I went through and she kept giving me alternative explanations and potential experiences. This pissed me off because I just wanted support and the feeling of someone being on my side

But this tells me that:

1. I cannot depend on others to validate what I am feeling (like I had done with Nelson). My feelings will continue to remain valid because they are my reality
2. Humans and emotions are complex. The same experience can be so widely differently perceived by people. Just like how a sentence meaning can change based on which word is emphasised, an experience perception can change based on what memories are emphasised

Going forward.

1. I’m not going to actively seek out validation.
2. I am going to try and accept that nelson didn’t try to actively hurt me