18th September - Shelson

Okay, some more thinking. Maybe I can relate now with what Nelson went through when I started dating Musti.

He said he found it mean that I was being so lovey dovey in front of him. That I was doing things and showing affection for musti that I never showed Nelson and that he always craved.

Perhaps I’m going to feel the same. Upset that he’s doing things now for someone else, that he never did for me but that I sorely craved. Things like being understanding, being less controlling, thinking positively about the girlfriend. Sigh even him getting along with Shivani is something I wanted back then.

In his POV, he feels like all the things I had craved for, he had given me towards the end of when we were dating. After college. I should have appreciated and understood it then we could have been happy, the way he and Shivani are now.

But my POV was frozen towards 2016 and 2017 nelson. I simply couldn’t get over it, no matter how hard I tried (I know he never feels like I tried, though. Because if I really had tried, then I should have been successful, no?).

Now I know that it is okay that I couldn’t get over it. I should have accepted that it would never happen. I am not evil or selfish, or uncaring, or stubborn, or horrible for not being able to change my perspective of him

I simply had unresolved trauma and Nelson continues to be a trigger for that. It affected me so much because I was weak. I had no handle on emotions and how to deal with conflict.

But I couldn’t give up, because I felt like I owed it to nelson to get over it.