16th July - crying from exhaustion
I need to recognize that taking decisions is one of the worst things for me.
I like what Shubham said - do things that you can which are in your control and hope for the best.
I am finding it very difficult to take a decision. And I think the reason I struggle so much with it is because I:
- strongly fear the blame and regret that will come from taking a wrong decision and feeling bad
- Have not really taken "against the grain" choices in life
I am wondering why I fear #1 so much. Is it because I have grown up in an environment where there was a lot of blame and regret and resentment?
As for #2, I know that there was always an element of "gossip", "ayyo paapam", "what will people say" constantly. I really feel like I just always chose the easy way out - just listen to others always. And I've always been so, so, so careful. Not a risk taker.
In order for me to break free from this difficulty, I think I need to know, that blaming myself and regretting things are in my control. I can control how I react to situations and how I blame myself for it. For example, I did not blame and regret the "not going to VC" decision (even though it was hardly a thought out decision). I also do not blame and regret choosing to date Nelson. It didn't work out great for me, but I learnt something, right? If I have lived a lot of my life not blaming, not regretting but trying to make the most out of what I have, then I think I'll be fine going forward as well.
Can I internalize this feeling?