I have this dreadful feeling in my chest. Not only in a depressed or anxious way, but a blossoming panic that continues to grow every time I reflect. Like I should be doing something, but I'm not. I'm stuck in the prison of my mind, having all these options in life, overwhelmed by the thought of not being able to experiencing all of them, and at the same time, having to go through the motions to actually experience them. It's such an overwhelming feeling I just end up right where I am, not moving anywhere, in fear of the what if's. My mind is so indecisive, one moment I want something and the next I'm already onto another dream. I can't seem to grasp onto anything, I can't have anything permanent in my life. I keep picking up things, that I accidentally drop things along the way and when I look back, I panic and turn back to pick up my fallen things, but then I drop the new things I have. And I just end up walking back and fourth until I get so panicked, sobbing, looking around seeing no one else is dropping their stuff, not understanding why I'm the only one in a frenzy, why my hold on things seem so much weaker than everyone else. I end up paralyzed, distraught, dropping all my things on purpose, falling onto the ground, knees to my chest, head tucked in, waiting until I can calm down and start all over again. Get up, get some of my things, feel a sense of accomplishment, but eventually end up dropping some of my things, panicking, running back and fourth, giving up, dropping everything and collapse onto the dirt. The same cycle, every time. All the while, everyone around me seems to able to not go into complete meltdown over dropping their stuff, they simply accept that they have dropped them or are actually happy they dropped them. I just want to keep all my things, I want them all in my grasp, I can't let them go, because they are part of me, and if I can't even keep a hold of my things, how can I keep a hold of mind?
