I flip out a lot in rl internally. I'm balancing jealousy with gratitude, loss with gain, things I don't have with the things I could have, despite not having either. It feels like life playing a big fools joke on me whenever I'm hopeful. Hope is just another word for dream.It's easier to complain than it is to explain. Easier to lurk around your room than it is to go out and socialize. Because realization hits hard, failure hits hard, and we're not always strong enough to go asking for them. Perhaps, for a change, we don't. We stay in same spot, voluntarily. No one's forcing you to, no one's pulling any hidden strings to keep you down, it's on you. All the things you regret doing, time you regret spending, people you regret loving, it's on you.And the hardest part, knowing you're an adult now without having experienced a good childhood. You're left asking a lot of 'what if's. You can't be optimistic like other kids that were fed with silver spoon, read rich dad poor dad once, and preach that poverty is self inflicted.No one knows what's it like to be in the other person's shoes. You can do thought experiment, wear them for one day or a month for your YouTube video, different. Wear the shoes knowing you can't take them off, that's when you truly feel vulnerable.Life is hard, you just accept that reality and work. When you fail, you try harder. When you win, you survive. During this whole process, you have to tolerate internal and external pain, losses, anxiety or ADHD, depression, take care of your nutrition and your mental health.It sucks, it really do. I hate this rant, but I feel like letting this out. Probably gonna delete it after a while