130522

These are the first words I've written in many months. I've been thinking about why this is the case, and part of it might have to do with fear. I'm afraid of not being able to do it well. But there's something more there. I think I'm afraid because I believe I might have some type of cognitive decline. That was before I read about Bruce Willis leaving his acting career after being diagnosed with aphasia. I suddenly freaked out and started to think I might have something like that. Or maybe early dementia? More likely it's nothing and I'm just freaking out for no reason. Or perhaps I'm bored and have nothing to be hopeful for. I no longer have to fret of losing my job because I don't need one, having started a small business. But then again, I'm no more satisfied with life than when I was a young professional looking for my ideal job, and never getting it. Failure does teach you lessons, but maybe not the ones that make you better. For my part I've learned to be more humble, to take on opportunities that are not necessarily part of your life plan, and to be more vocal when something is not what you believe is right. And yet I feel I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. It's not that I'm going insane, as I sometimes think (I managed to write this much, so that's something). It's fear, fear of losing any hope of forging my own life. Overcoming that fear seems far away and I don't know how to do so. Maybe writing will help. Therapy might also help, as my wife has repeatedly told me when we argue. I need to stop thinking so much and take action.